In a post-Covid world, many people are still rebuilding human connections lost from lockdowns, and some don’t even know how to navigate these choppy waters.
Social media and screen time has placed an increasing wedge between person-to-person interaction, and the result has been devastating for mental health. Technology may keep us connected with people worldwide, but loneliness is at an all-time high.
Dr. H. David Burstein addresses the epidemic of loneliness, how to cope with and reboot losses of relationships, in Smart Phones Do Not Give Hugs (Talk+Tell, 202 pages).
Burstein delves into the depths of loneliness, examining its modern causes and potential remedies. Our inherent need for connection underscores the biological reality that we are social beings. Loneliness serves as an emotional indicator, signaling our need for personal or social interaction.
Burstein offers numerous solutions to help us better fulfill this fundamental human need. These solutions start with a deep introspection into our own emotions and our search for purpose and meaning.
Engaging, insightful, and thought-provoking, this guide is essential for anyone seeking a more fulfilling life. Timed for the second printing, Toronto-based Burstein answers our questions:
What was the impetus for writing the book?
I’ve been very aware as a divorcee, with three teenage children, seeing what was going on in society with how teenage depression was terrible problem. I just kept hearing statistics about how people are lonelier than ever. Instead of ignoring it, we have three ways of dealing with them: we can confront them, we can ignore them, or we can retreat from them. I decided, instead of ignoring my own loneliness, to confront it, and then in confronting it, it actually helped me deal with it.
I was very aware of what social media was doing to my kids.
There’s just a big problem here. Nobody wants to talk about it. I decided to put my ideas down and realized that there’s a big topic about it.
I’m a big fan of the Bible. God’s first negative observation, after taking 13 billion years to create the world, was “it’s not good for man to be alone.” So this idea concept of loneliness has been around with us for a long time.
What was revelatory to you, in the process of writing the book?
The biggest revelation probably was the importance of the being a good listener, as a way of countering loneliness, and the importance of the one on one conversation.
Ultimately, the clincher when I was writing the book about this, was remembering the scene in the film Field of Dreams, when I see Kevin Costner’s character saying, “Hey, Dad, you want to play catch?”
It’s a question of finding someone with whom you want to play catch. It’s a metaphor for being with someone.
For all of the loneliness, very often all you need is one person.
Being present, and having a conversation with one person, is a fantastic way of starting to deal with loneliness. I looked at it like an emotional fuel gauge. I’m realizing that so much of what goes on in my world is all about social energy. It comes from basically four sources: having an intimate partner, family and friends, community and purpose.
So between the external energy that you get from people, and the internal energy you get from yourself, that’s where you derive social from. It’s all about you know finding a purpose in life, be positively creative.
What are some quick ideas to avert loneliness?
Well, it’s not good when there’s a television going on in the background, or your smartphone in the background, if what you want is to improve your communication skills, and become a better listener.
Appreciate the importance of nonverbal communications.
Learn to manage emotions. Focus less on our own loneliness and on bringing more love into the world.
Surround yourself with people who want the best for you.
Be your own best friend and avoid negative self talk
Live a balanced life.
A lot of the flashing images on a computer screen gives us a low grade dopamine hit. You end up wasting all that time on all that hormone on dopamine hits. You’re not getting the missed dopamine that’s needed to rebuild relationships with somebody. Spend too much time watching television, you’re not dealing with other human beings. Admire technical ingenuity but do not think it represents the highest possible form of human achievement.
Easier said than done?
Oh, listen, we’re all going to feel lonely at one point in our life. Just the same as the guy who wrote the book on loneliness, named John Cacioppo. He basically compared loneliness, to feelings of hunger, thirst and pain.
Loneliness is there to tell you about a need for social connection. You can suppose that’s bad, or that it’s a question of what to do about it. See, what people think is that negative emotions are bad. Not so. It’s just you don’t want too much of any of them.
In the book I say that the master bedroom, is a “sanctuary of rejuvenation” that can actually be the loneliest part of your life, if you’re with the wrong person. And so we want somebody who really gets us, really knows our soul, really knows how to be supportive of us.
Other times being alone can be a release, a time when we can be creative and don’t want distractions.
What are people most challenged by, in terms of building relationships?
Being vulnerable with one another. People are afraid of being hurt.
The way you can develop a connection is to let the other person speak, and really listen to what they’re saying. Be quiet, shut up, and be present. It’s the sanctity of the one on one conversation.
A lot of people go into conversations, wanting to be heard and not really going in the conversation to learn anything. Be aware of the social positive energy.
We also have to realize there’s a different energy that we get from the different types of social connections. Not everyone is the same.
You need many kinds of people in your life: the intimate partner, friends, community.
Do you think people need to “unplug” for a while, and have a digital detox?
I think there’s going to come a point that people are gonna say, “hey, you know what? I gotta shut off all technology one day a week.” And that really comes back to having a day of rest, like a Sabbath. It’ll be good for your mental health, away from the distractions and pressures.