Deciding that you want to start a family is exciting—but it’s not without doubts or uncertainty.
Rebecca Semel, Ph.D., says this topic comes up a lot in her work as both a licensed clinical psychologist at a private practice and an executive functioning coach. “There really is no right answer, and everybody has different metrics with which they measure [it] being the right time,” she explains.
Instead of waiting for the mythical “perfect moment,” take a look at these four actionable items. They can provide peace of mind throughout the process, especially when you’re still hoping to advance in your career.
1. Practice positive self-talk
As Semel explains, it’s normal and valid to feel a range of emotions about decisions with family planning, and having more than one emotion at a time is completely OK. “Most people are both excited and nervous or happy to start the process while stressed about how they will make it work,” she says.
She encourages future parents to practice positive self-talk and check in with themselves to make the positive voice louder than the more negative one. She also suggests taking stock of the rational, realistic facts of the situation.
For example, if you anxiously think, “How can I possibly take time off and lose income?” Semel says it’s good to remind yourself, “’I will make a plan with my partner so that we will be financially stable through starting our family.’” She adds that “these more neutral, rational or positive reframes should help abate some of the anxious thoughts.”
2. Create a timeline that allows for flexibility
While there will rarely be a “perfect” time to start a family, Semel is all for creating a loose timeline of what you want your parenthood journey to look like. “If there’s a realistic timeframe that feels important [to plan around] (e.g., waiting until after a graduate program ends [or] getting through year one at a new job), honor those times,” she says. ”But keep in mind [that] whenever you decide to start your family, you will make it work.”
It’s also smart to think about what your timeline is for going back to work. “There are people who are really happy to be [at-home] parents and don’t want to enter the workforce ever again. And there are other people who are itching to get back to work,” Semel says. The key is knowing yourself and deciding what makes sense for you.
3. Be proactive about your reproductive health
It’s no secret that the United States lags behind other developed nations when it comes to paid time off following the birth of a child, and feelings of uncertainty can cause stress among potential parents. Plus, parental leave is largely dependent on the specific policies a company or organization offers its employees.
For women who are ambivalent about starting a family but are worried about aging, Semel suggests getting a fertility assessment. “This will help you to better understand your fertility in a personalized way and help you to plan for anything that may be medically useful to prolong or preserve fertility,” she says.
While less common, it’s worth noting that more and more women are opting to have fertility procedures, such as egg freezing and subsequent storage, at trusted clinics overseas. This might be an option to explore for those who are worried about their age or if their employer doesn’t offer any fertility benefits as part of their employment package.
4. Be selective about where and how you work
Semel explains that if the goal is to start a family in X number of years, there are certain actionable steps you can take to put yourself in a more comfortable position. This could be accepting a role at a company that offers fertility benefits—such as egg freezing, IVF and surrogacy—or, in the case of freelancers, choosing to go in-house, where you have a steady paycheck and access to a more comprehensive medical plan.
Semel shares that her clients who are ready to start a family are very attuned to the family planning benefits in their health insurance. “It’s really common to be like, ‘Oh, my company will pay for $15,000 worth of egg freezing or IVF or anything around family building, and that’s why I’m choosing this plan,’ or ‘I’m going to this new job because they have benefits for family building and family planning,’” she explains.
When it comes to interviewing for a new role, Semel often reminds her clients that they are not legally required to disclose their pregnancy or to share their upcoming plans unless they choose to do so. There are laws in place to protect pregnant women in the workplace, but this doesn’t mean you won’t come across bias—either conscious or unconscious—throughout the hiring process. Of course, if you do accept a role, Semel believes that it’s best to inform your manager about your pregnancy as soon as possible.
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