Do you ever wonder why certain people draw you in, while others make you want to flee? It’s all thanks to your personal attachment style. Attachment theory aims to demystify baffling relationship behaviors by examining how early caregivers attended to your love and attachment needs. Styles include: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized.
“[Attachment] issues tend to be most pronounced in intimate relationships,” says Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., author of The Joy of Imperfect Love: the Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships. In her book, Manly writes, “If you were not immersed in unconditional—albeit imperfect—love in your childhood, it’s unlikely that healthy love is naturally familiar to you.”
Attachment theory through the years
The theory was originated by psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth sometime after their work began in 1950. At that time, their work related to children. In 1987, their theory was expanded upon by psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver to include adult romantic relationships. One of the most popular works on attachment theory in this century is the bestselling book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love, by psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine, M.D., and psychologist Rachel Heller, which relates the theory to dating and love relationships.
Initially, you know love by being loved, then you learn to love in return, Manly says. Attachment theory can be revelatory as it conjures an often surprising view of yourself and others. According to Manly, unless you choose to create an emotional shift, you’re the product of your formative love experiences.
Which attachment style are you?
While it might seem limiting to reduce anyone’s complexities to a particular style, keep in mind it’s natural to “have a blend of attachment styles, rather than falling neatly into one category,” says Manly.
Secure
If you were raised by nurturing and supportive caregivers, you “learn to equate love with life-affirming concepts and feelings such as safety, security, acceptance, comfort and joy,” and might be considered the rock in your relationships, writes Manly. Along with being “self-aware and emotionally available,” you might be “confident in your relationship abilities and grounded.” When you do experience relationship challenges, you “tend to move through any struggles with honesty, empathy and respect for yourself and others.”
Anxious
Having been securely attached temporarily in childhood and then deprived of a healthy connection, Manly says you may “vacillate between clinginess and fear” and worry about “being abandoned or rejected,” struggling with healthy boundaries. “Given an ongoing fear of not being worthy of love, you may feel deeply flawed,” she says. If upset or unnerved, you might become angry or reactive—even if your partner is securely loving, says Manly, adding that those with this attachment style may be mistrusting and prone to jealousy.
Avoidant
If you were raised by nonresponsive caregivers you might be conditioned early on to keep a safe emotional distance—putting your own needs on hold. “Although you may feel self-confident and highly independent, you (often unconsciously) resist letting others into your heart,” says Manly. As a result, hyper-independence becomes a “strong defense mechanism that prevents intimate connection,” and you might be most comfortable with superficial, short-term relationships or long-term connections that are detached and self-focused in nature, Manly says. “Those who care about you may tell you that they crave more emotional connection.”
Disorganized/Unresolved
If caregivers gave you mixed signals involving both comfort and fear, you and your relationships might feel “unpredictable and topsy-turvy” and “internally unstable—as though you are walking on eggshells—and your level of trust may be very low,” says Manly. Even though you want intimate relationships, you might “push them away out of fear of being close,” and create a “tug-of-war dynamic… that prevents stable, safe and connected relationships…. Unpredictability and drama—both internally and externally—may be very pronounced.”
Can attachment styles change?
Definitely. When used mindfully, Manly says attachment theory allows people to understand and work through their issues without blaming themselves or their caregivers. And, if you are in an unhealthy relationship that triggers your attachment issues, you can learn to take a step back, gain strength and engage in healthier ways, she says.
Effective communication invites growth
Promote mutual understanding by expressing your feelings in a non-combative way. In Attached, Levine and Heller write, “[By communicating effectively, you’ll be better able] to make sure your needs are met in the relationship, whether it is a brand-new one or one of long standing.”
Some principles of effective communication Levine and Heller write about include, “[Being] genuine and completely honest about your feelings,” and “[focusing] on your needs,” while taking your partner’s wellbeing into account. Instead of being vague,try to “be specific,” about what’s upsetting you, they write.
Rewrite negative scripts
If you unconsciously equate love with fear-based feelings and concepts, you might view love as a confusing blend of thoughts and feelings that often give rise to hurt, says Manly. One powerful way to reverse harmful programming, according to Manly’s book, is to be aware of “unhealthy scripts that run your life,” so you can free yourself and create “changes within you and your relationships.”
How do you do it? Start by reflecting on your life. Notice recurring behaviors and patterns. Think about the beliefs behind them. “Make a list of the unhealthy scripts that run your mind in the present,” Manly writes, “[And] a separate list of any unhealthy scripts that ran your life in the past but are not part of your current life.” Afterward, write a short description that reflects how each script negatively impacts your life.
The next step is to outline a new and healthy replacement script you’d like to use in place of the unhealthy script, writes Manly. “For example, if your list includes a script regarding controlling behavior, you might substitute a script like…. ‘Being flexible and collaborative allows me to grow as an individual and will benefit my relationship with my partner,’” she explains.
What lies beyond
Ironically, understanding attachment theory might help free you of a particular style by inspiring self-growth and deepening intimate connections. It can also help you realize your partner’s different needs and help you both to navigate relationship challenges. Delve deeper by reading up on the subject, and if you’re inclined, consider working with a therapist to guide you through. However you choose to explore, remember that wanting love and to feel securely attached are natural needs. Let your insights pave the way for empathy and self-compassion.
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