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Psychologists have identified a number of traits and circumstances that influence how we feel about failure. These include:
Perfectionism: your desire to make everything ‘perfect’ prevents you from even starting a task or going after a goal. You set yourself impossibly high standards and live in fear of not meeting them. You equate performance with self-worth and view failure as a sign of being worthless. The higher your standards, the harder it can feel to risk falling short.
External pressures: you feel overwhelmed by the expectations placed on you by others – you don’t want to disappoint anyone (parent, friend, boss, etc.) or feel judged for not achieving the standards they expect of you.
Low self-worth: you rely on external validation (achievement/success) for your self-worth and fear not meeting the standards that you use to prove your worth so you avoid situations where someone could think negatively of you or your abilities. You don’t feel confident enough to fail.
Upbringing and/or wider social values: you grew up with a primary caregiver, peer group or community who feared failure, handled it badly or taught you that failing was wrong and you’ve learned to believe the same.
Experiences: you once encountered a traumatic failure (e.g. forgetting your lines in a school play and feeling humiliated) and your brain now tries to avoid feeling those painful emotions again.
You care: you feel deeply about something, it matters to you a lot, and you don’t want to feel disappointed by it or feel the shame that you may experience following a failure.
Prioritise This: a practical guide for thriving in a world that won’t slow down
Lily Silverton
20 ways to actually overcome your fear of failure and fail forward
It’s a long list, I know! The idea here is to have something for everyone; let’s give it a go . . .
1. Normalise mistakes. Pencils have erasers. Ink fades. Insert other writing-related analogies here… The point is, mistakes are part of living. Reminding yourself that small failures are normal in your day-to-day life will help you bring that same energy to the bigger ones when they occur. Also, google famous failures – there are literally hundreds of inspiring stories out there. Go and seek them.
2. Analyse what went wrong. You may be desperate to stick your head in the sand post-failure, but that’s proven to be the worst thing to do. To learn from your failure, face it head-on. Don’t dwell on what went wrong; rather, reflect on what happened and what part you had to play versus what was outside your control. Zoom out and take a bird’s-eye view to gain insight and understanding and use them to do better next time.
3. Perceive yourself as able to learn. Studies have shown that possessing a learning mindset is one of the best indicators for handling and moving on from failure. If you already always view missteps as an opportunity for learning, then great! But, if like most of us humans you can struggle to make that connection, especially immediately following a real-life failure, focus on your general capacity to learn and grow instead.
4. Focus on what you do well. Confidence tends to take a hit post-failure, but this can be softened by focusing on what you can do well. Remind yourself of your skills and abilities or concentrate on a different area of your life. For example, if you’ve had a failure at work, focus on what you do well at work outside of this failure (I am punctual, I support my colleagues, etc.) or, alternatively, on the strengths you have in another area altogether, such as your friendships.
5. Own your fear. If you are scared of failing, recognise that. Not accepting your fear gives it free rein to show up in other, creatively unhelpful ways in life. And know that fear doesn’t always mean thinking a project is too big; it can be more subtle – like the lawyer I worked with who wanted to write poetry but was afraid her colleagues would mock her. That type of fear (the social kind) taps into our need to belong, but give in to it, and you end up failing yourself. Find someone trusted who you can talk to about your fears – seek empathy and encouragement as you confront and accept them.
6. Focus on what you can control. If you’re struggling with the fear of failure, start by trying the Zone of Control practice (more on this in Chapter 1). This will help you identify which aspects of a task or project are within your control, and then you can map out for yourself how to focus more on them and less on what you can’t control.
7. Foster a growth mindset. A growth mindset is the idea that you approach yourself and any projects as possessing the capacity for progress and evolution. Approach challenges with curiosity, view them as opportunities and you’ll find yourself more willing to overcome your fear, to adapt and grow. (Turn to Chapter 9: Moving Forward for more on a growth mindset.)
8. Develop your failure muscle. If failure terrifies you, improve your resistance by allowing yourself to repeatedly fail and try again, but in non-pressured spaces. Start small and give yourself permission to take manageable risks – for example, try a new skill or cook a meal that feels intimidating. Experiencing small failures helps grow your muscle for navigating bigger ones.
9. Think of the potential positives. When we’re scared to try and fail, we naturally think about what could go wrong or what we could lose. Flip your thinking around and focus instead on what could go right and what you could win. Focus on the (on your) future potential.
10. Lean on your community. Social connections are crucial for stress prevention and management. And failure is stressful. When we’re down we need support, so lean on yours. Discuss your failure with people you trust, those who will give you positive advice (there is a time and place for healthy criticism, this is not it). You will feel less burdened and chances are they’ll have stories about their own failures too, which will make you feel more connected and less alone.
11. Remember your priorities. Reminding yourself of the principles, people and things that you deem most important is an effective way to bring perspective to any mistake, failure or miss. Spend a moment reflecting on your priorities, write them down if inclined and then focus on them instead. (P.S. Sometimes when we’ve failed or made a mistake it may be that we’ve gone against our priorities. Do not berate yourself but do consider why they are meaningful and how you can use them to help you through.)
12. Don’t identify with your failure. You are not the sum of your failure, even though I know it can feel that way. Unless you need to (i.e. it was your fault, and it’d be helpful to reflect on that), try not to take the failure personally. Seek objectivity and distance, separate yourself (and your self-worth) from it as much as you can by reminding yourself that you are much more (and much more complex) than this one moment or thing. Repeat after me: failure is not a measure of my value as a person.
13. Think: temporary. Failure is a loss, yes. However, avoid looking at the loss as something permanent and it’ll feel less overwhelming. It’s one moment in a long life full of moments, of ups and downs. If you can think of it as temporary, it’ll be easier for you to move forward (onward, upward, sideways or any other direction). Remember: almost every ‘overnight’ success was years in the making.
14. Set new goals or projects. This isn’t rocket science; I appreciate that many people do this instinctively, but bringing conscious thought and intention to setting new goals for yourself can dampen feelings of disappointment. Seek out the dopamine hit your brain awards you for setting a goal. It could be within the area that you’ve ‘failed’ or in a different one – a well-trodden path after the end of a relationship ends is to book a holiday with friends or set an inspiring fitness goal. (Yes, I have done both those things.)
15. Develop a ritual. There have been a few recent, interesting studies around rituals and failure. In short, rituals modulate the ERN response, decreasing the brain’s sensitivity to errors. This has been shown to help rewire your brain to better handle challenges, meaning you’re less emotionally engaged by setbacks and can maintain focus and calm. Rituals could include: a morning walk, a face massage, a few push-ups. Rituals can be leaned on post-failure, but they’re also preventative, helping your mental health remain robust overall.
16. Be okay with discomfort. Now I’ll preface this by saying that I remember how jarring I found this kind of advice when I was going through a difficult time in life. If you feel that way right now, then ignore it (the same goes for every other word in this book!). But I do think the general idea of embracing discomfort is an important one to get on board with. Much of life is uncomfortable, and being okay with the discomfort, knowing that it’s part of a full and rich life, helps not only build resilience and persistence but also improve self-efficacy.
17. Anticipate a bit of failure. Are the manifesters going to hate me for this?! Maybe. But the reality is that anticipating failure can be useful. All good businesses prepare for it while simultaneously going after their dreams and goals (or, you know, sales targets), and I think sometimes it can be helpful for us to do the same. If you have a deep fear of failure, confronting it head on can help. Know that if you are trying something for the first time, it’s unlikely to be perfect. Accept that failure is possible, and you’ll be more likely to see it for what it tends to be – a bump in the road. Sure, some bumps feel like mountains, but whatever the size, this approach makes you less likely to be completely thrown and more likely to quickly pick yourself up again. Don’t always anticipate failure, rather: hope for the best, plan for the worst. Try the coping visualisation at the end of the chapter – imagine the worst outcomes and plan how you’ll deal with them to reduce fear and worry.
18. Get comfortable with rejection. Failure and rejection are deeply interlinked, and we often fear failure simply because of the potential for rejection. I won’t go into detail here, since the following chapter is dedicated solely to that topic, I’ll just say that the more comfortable you can be with rejection, the more comfortable you’ll find yourself with failure too.
19. Move your body. As I wrote in Chapter 1: Stress, one of the best ways to complete the stress response cycle (which comes into play with failure) is to move. Your body is built to move, so if you are able to, move it. Doesn’t matter how or when, just find some form of movement or exercise that you enjoy and can stick with, and use it to help your body process those stress hormones.
20. Try again. Or quit! I’m really covering the bases here, but we do only have two options following a failure – give up or try again. It’s important to try again, to not be discouraged by a failure the first (or even second or third time round). Yet it’s also important to know when to call it quits, to not have such an inflated sense of self that it will eventually destroy you. Only you’ll know which course is right for you in the moment, but if unsure, I’d suggest (no surprise here) considering your priorities . . . What’s important to you about this failure or success? Does continuing to try align with your priorities, or will it actually negatively impact them instead?
Available now for pre-order. Launching March 26 – hardback, audiobook and e-book. £20, prioritisethis.com
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